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oh wow. Ypu just wow.

Okay so I cant even speak to him.
Im dead as dead gets right now. I dont even know what to say to him. I txt him to say hi and blah and i get is something wrong? UHM YAH I WONDER IS SOMETHING WRONG?
I feel like my feelings are being toyed with. I cnt even smile. all i want to do is eat and cry. eat and cry.. same shit as always. Why cant i just be happy.. I feel dead to everyone.

haha good times.

So I had a great time at wrok last night. Thats scary isnt it?
So I was bagging for this kid Marc. Hes cute and pretty funny lol and we were flirting.
After he clocked out i got teased the rest of the night about him. but the funny thing is i didnt mind it. Oh man we hav a cookout comming up for shaws and that should be funny. But nothings really bothering me today except for the :friend with benefits thing..m really starting to rethink about it.
Here I am 19 years old fooling around with a 17 year old. I mean im not complaining. Hes fucking amazing. But its just the fact hes still a kid . *sigh* I still dont know what to do. In a way i want to see where this goes.. but we havent rly been hanging out or talking much..
I guess shit happens huh?
Oh so I sorta pushed this girl monique away.. The funny thing is.. I dont think shes noticed that i havent been talking to her. I know she works alot and so one so forth. Not like it really bothers me that we dont hang out.. okay maybe it does.. I mean she can make time to see corey but not me. Okay that sounded jealous. Im not jealous. She just tells me she misses me and all this shit but she can make time for a guy not her best friend. . Okay so maybe today isnt a good day for me. SIGH. I guess maybe its a good thing i pushed her away.. Maybe she will notice oneday..
fuck my life.
Caylee's watching dora the explora and here i am blogging my heart out because no one is around to listen to me vent..
I wish someone cared enough to say hey its alright things will get better with time.
But no... No one is here. Im a loner. Yes a loner. I used that word. I hate it. I hate alot. Why cant i just love. Or like .. ? whats wrong with me? Isnt it so bad that I just wanted to be loved or to love someone. Lately it feels like it. I know I need to have patience but god its not working. Patiences is a virtue.. Sometimes I should take my own advice.

So the sun is shinning and it looks nice out. So why am i depressed? Seriously. I only thought people were depressed on cloudy gloomy days. Guess not..
My eyes hurt..
Ill continue later.

Bored out of my mind.

Ugh. Its a crappy day in new england. Kinda chilly. bit cloudy. Nothing out of the ordinary. The baby is napping so im blogging. Not like i have anything better to do. I could be putting make up on or straightening my hair for work. But no I dont fucking feel like doing anything. I have put myself in a depression today . I just cant find anything to make me happy. I was up all night thinking about if hes really worth it. I know we will never be together and obviously we like each other but idk..
OH LOOK THE SUN IS OUT!
My sister is right. No point in being upset. I got to look at the positives and not the negatives. This damn thing is taking me forever to write. My ex happens to be bugging the shit out of me.
God I hate him sometimes. Hes wicked selfish. He has the time and money to spend on other things but not his daughter. I have her sunday night to friday night. Not once does he come and visit during the week. Then when i ask him to buy her clothes or something.. Ya okay its a waste of my time..
Why do I even bother anymore? Maybe because I still love the mother fucker..
Maybe because he keeps telling me how much he misses me and still loves me..
I honestly dont know . I try not to bother cause it only makes me upset and makes me second guess on things.*sigh* Life is a doosy. Nothing ever gets better..

I guess i should fill you in on what really bothering me today. So there is this guy I use to like and hes a sweetheart. I really liked him and was actually starting to fall for him until i started talking to this girl that i use to like. Well this girl happened to be madly in love with the guy i liked so i pushed myself away because obviously i thought about her and what she wanted. Sometimes im retarted for doing that buti cnt help it. I never worry bout my feelings. So yes like i said i pushed myself away because i figured she was better for him. Shes alot prettier. Nicer. ..
Oh wow hold up.
My ex wants to write a check for 25 dollars a week and is willing to buy diapers and wipes.
Back to this girl. So yah.. Ive been talking to that guy again and he called me from iraq.. Yes hes in iraq. But hes comming home soon (: But i was talking to him and we may try things. Hopefully the ex and this girl wnt get in the way.
My sister told me to talk to this girl about me and this guy but im horrified i may lose her friendship and i know friends are suppose to come before guys. ......
What to do what to do. Yet im sorta afraid because what if something bad happened to him. I cant handle that..
PEOPLE HELP ME THE FUCK OUT PLEASE?!?
Advice would be nice.
God my ex is so fucking annoying. Its like i cnt cash his fucking checks. What the fuck. Hes so stupid. He knows this shit. God and now my moms being a stupid cunt. Now i see why i want to kill myself. Holy shit. i legit rather be out on the streets than this shit hole. Im always stressed out. always crying. I get yelled at for everything. My dad tells me all the time im a whore. Im not out sleeping around am i? No im with someone. My dad always threatens to hit me. My mom could legit give to shits and a flying fuck about what happens to me . Obviously she dsnt care that my father calls me nasty things infront of my daughter. No wonder why im always upset right? Yah i think so. God my life is a living hell. I need a new start. I need a new place. New people.
Someday soon hopefully. !

one last post before bed.

Well I think I am off to bed for the night :(
I have alot on my mind. Still confused. A bit hurt. Not too sure on what I want or need to do. Im sure i will lay restless in my bed and not drift of to sleep like i should but its fine. Im sure i will have a chance to nap during the day.
Hopefully tomorrow is a better day and maybe I will get the answer i deserve. Atleast I do know he cares if it counts..
*sigh* What do i get myself into. Good night.

uhm okay..

Okay so i decided to look up an old friend and this old friend happens to have the same last name as my friends with benefits and it hit me that their related. Like ive known her since like second grade and i just wanted to see how she was. Well i txt my friends with benefits and was like oh haha your related to so and so and he was like yes is that a good thing or bad?
I was like oh she was a good friend in school.
He was like well if you talk to her dont mention anything about us. Kinda snappyish right?
I was like of course not. Obviously i wasnt planning onto. What goes on between us stays between us. I mean not everyone has to know right? Exactly. But
I do feel sorta shityy. Am i really embarrasing?
Dont answer that I know the answer.
its not like im mad.. Just a little upset that he would think i would say something. Im not like that. Ugh.. I feel like crying.
He seems to think im mad. I tell him im not mad and he says i wasnt mad before he said that. Ive been unhappy all day. :( seriously can my life get anyworse?

Confused much ?

Yes I am back for a 3rd time today but im super confused.
So my "friends with benefits" confuses me alot. I know there was sorta weird connection between us the first night we hung out and he told me he did like me .. I mean we go off and have sex and here i am the dumbass who fell for him.
Okay Like no deeply only a little.
I guess im the fool in this story right? They say girls should have fuck buddys. Well their right. I Like him. I like him.. It sounds so weird when I say it on here. Its like a little kid thing. Sorrta like puppy love with out the love. A little kid cush but not being a little kid. I guess theres no word for it. Maybe a fling? You could call it a fling. Where not dating. We call it our own thing. :( Confusion sucks. Not like I tell him any of this because when i told him i was falling for him well.. yah not as i expected. Thats the last time i listen to my so called best friend. In a way i feel like giving up just because ppl say its a waste of time. Yes i feel its not. .

Ugh. What to do what to do. Am I an idiot for liking him? I guess you can call me an idiot for feeling this way. Feelings are dumb. I sorta kinda wonder how he feels about me. Not like I can ask him straight up.. HEY YOU DO YOU LIKE ME BACK?
We sorta accomplished we will never date. Just because I have a daughter. Hes scared im scared. Nothing new. *sigh* Im a failure.

I have more!

I have more to talk about!
Okay so I have been thinking alot lately about things. Like where my life is going. Whose it going to be spent with where it will be spent.
I know Its a random thought I had. In a way I feel as if I will never go anywhere. But everyone has to go somewhere right? What if we all went to the same place (: A happy place. Im rediculous.
But on the plus and positive side my sister is comming home ^_^ Finally
I know we dont always get along when were together and sometimes i wonder if we ever get sick of each other but im glad she wont be far from me.
Oh yes. . . Life is well peachy

Back again

Yes. yes.
I am back again with more to tell. Theres so many places I can begin but its hard to decide,
Well World just when I thought life was getting easier and things were going fantastic it changed in an instant. I finally got a job, I was happy where my life was at and BAM ! My dad had to kill it all.
Okay My dad is well my dad. I cant change who he is and how he is but if i could I would in a heartbeat. He always says he wants whats best. But sometimes whats best is to leave me alone and let me be who I want. But enough about the father cause I could ramble on and on about the mean stuff.
On the plus side theres a guy (: A very intriguing guy ! I am not giving out names just because I dont know who you people who rease these are and I never know who you know! Okay so about him. Well hes 17 I know a little young But hes a fanastic guy. Always makes me smile when i dont want to , He acts childish which i adore the most because im a kid myself. Hes caring . Hates when im upset.
Okay no where not dating.. i dont know if we ever will but hey i take what i can get =p. Friends with benefits if thats what you call it. Hes very sensetive which is attractive. I know you people must think im fucking retarted but I like sensetive guys. Im pretty sensetive myself.
Okay what else is going on.. Hm work Let me fill you in about work.
So yes I work at SHAWS. Its shitty pay. But I like the people i work with . Not all the time but most.
Excuse me a moment. My sister is bothering me about Tweeting on Twitter < < <
Okay sorry were discussing my future husband Justin Beiber. New color (:
Just because Black is to plain for me. I tend to talk alot dont i ? Your all like SHUT UP MADDY
and me Im all like *HYPER HYPER HYPER* The random things in life that make you wonder.
Hm what else to write about.
Oh how dumb my babys father happens to be. The last time I was here on my other profile I was with him. Well for all of you to know im not with him. There is a reason for that. He thinks parenthood is a game. Theres nothing funny about it. I love being a mom. Yes Im only 19 almost 20 but she is my life.
My resposibility. God damn it i dont even make him pay child support. I know I should but im too nice of a person. Every little bit of money i get goes to my daughter, For clothes and shoes and crap. She is the love of my life!
I would never ask for more.
I bitch alot dont I ? I wonder if you people actually read these or if i just post them for nothing.
I will be back later if anything new happens, I am a bit tired of complaining. I just wish I could get a break once in a while.
Peace (: (: <3>