Bored out of my mind.

Ugh. Its a crappy day in new england. Kinda chilly. bit cloudy. Nothing out of the ordinary. The baby is napping so im blogging. Not like i have anything better to do. I could be putting make up on or straightening my hair for work. But no I dont fucking feel like doing anything. I have put myself in a depression today . I just cant find anything to make me happy. I was up all night thinking about if hes really worth it. I know we will never be together and obviously we like each other but idk..
OH LOOK THE SUN IS OUT!
My sister is right. No point in being upset. I got to look at the positives and not the negatives. This damn thing is taking me forever to write. My ex happens to be bugging the shit out of me.
God I hate him sometimes. Hes wicked selfish. He has the time and money to spend on other things but not his daughter. I have her sunday night to friday night. Not once does he come and visit during the week. Then when i ask him to buy her clothes or something.. Ya okay its a waste of my time..
Why do I even bother anymore? Maybe because I still love the mother fucker..
Maybe because he keeps telling me how much he misses me and still loves me..
I honestly dont know . I try not to bother cause it only makes me upset and makes me second guess on things.*sigh* Life is a doosy. Nothing ever gets better..

I guess i should fill you in on what really bothering me today. So there is this guy I use to like and hes a sweetheart. I really liked him and was actually starting to fall for him until i started talking to this girl that i use to like. Well this girl happened to be madly in love with the guy i liked so i pushed myself away because obviously i thought about her and what she wanted. Sometimes im retarted for doing that buti cnt help it. I never worry bout my feelings. So yes like i said i pushed myself away because i figured she was better for him. Shes alot prettier. Nicer. ..
Oh wow hold up.
My ex wants to write a check for 25 dollars a week and is willing to buy diapers and wipes.
Back to this girl. So yah.. Ive been talking to that guy again and he called me from iraq.. Yes hes in iraq. But hes comming home soon (: But i was talking to him and we may try things. Hopefully the ex and this girl wnt get in the way.
My sister told me to talk to this girl about me and this guy but im horrified i may lose her friendship and i know friends are suppose to come before guys. ......
What to do what to do. Yet im sorta afraid because what if something bad happened to him. I cant handle that..
PEOPLE HELP ME THE FUCK OUT PLEASE?!?
Advice would be nice.
God my ex is so fucking annoying. Its like i cnt cash his fucking checks. What the fuck. Hes so stupid. He knows this shit. God and now my moms being a stupid cunt. Now i see why i want to kill myself. Holy shit. i legit rather be out on the streets than this shit hole. Im always stressed out. always crying. I get yelled at for everything. My dad tells me all the time im a whore. Im not out sleeping around am i? No im with someone. My dad always threatens to hit me. My mom could legit give to shits and a flying fuck about what happens to me . Obviously she dsnt care that my father calls me nasty things infront of my daughter. No wonder why im always upset right? Yah i think so. God my life is a living hell. I need a new start. I need a new place. New people.
Someday soon hopefully. !